Selfie-Help: A Pretender’s Guide to the Perfect Selfie

First a word from our sponsor…

PRETENDERS ON SALE NOW

Today is the day, my friends!!!! I am so excited to share this novel with you. Finally!!! This is why I am posting today instead of my usual Wednesday. I seriously can’t be contained. I have lived with these secrets long enough. I must share.

Being a Pretender is lonely. Like in a superhero sort of way. You have this public persona and then this whole other thing going on internally and if you’re any good at it, no one knows. You must become your own best friend. Your own voice of reason. And most importantly, your own photographer. Stay calm little P’s. My Pretender’s Guide to the Perfect Selfie will help. At least with the picture part.

1) Chin up, buttercup. Lift your face to the camera to avoid shar pei neck. Less is more when it comes to chins. If I wanted to see a pair of C’s I’d peek down my own shirt. #wearepretenders  (I’m a B.)

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2) Choose your backgrounds wisely. There’s nothing wrong with having a toilet behind you if you’re relieving yourself. But if you’re selfie-ing yourself? There’s nothing hot about the pot. (There’s a “take a crop” joke in here somewhere. I’ll keep working on it and get back to you.)

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3) Any seasoned Pretender knows it’s okay to get help as long as you get all the credit. Not a very kind thing to do when another human is involved, but an App? Please. Apps are born to please. In fact, did you know that App stands for Aim (to) please please?  So download a self-timer app, line up your pose, and take your sweet selfie-time. Then, 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… SMILE!

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4) Don’t be a glass kisser. You won’t look sweet or cute or seductive. You will look like a quack. So duck off.

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5) What do you mean my eyes aren’t green? The camera doesn’t lie. (Filters do. Know’m’sayin?)

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Now fly, little P’s. Fly!!! Snap a selfie and show me what you’ve learned. Extra points if there’s a copy of PRETENDERS in the background.

If you live near Laguna Beach or have a private jet, come see me this Thursday, October 3rd from 5-6pm at Laguna Beach Books in Laguna Beach. I’ll be signing books, giving away S.W.A.P.s, and more secrets to faking your way to fabulous. If you can’t make it and must have a S.W.A.P you’re in luck. They’re out today!!!

http://www.gorjana-griffin.com/gorjana/jewelry/bracelets/lisi-harrison-piece.html

TTYNW,

Lisi

Comments

  1. If we are not able to come to Laguna Beach Books, how do we get S.W.A.P.s?

  2. I want a S.W.A.P. so badly!!!!

  3. Oh my gosh!
    ITS OUT!
    I’m so excited.
    And sad cause I missed the video chat!
    But i was at the library doing community service.
    Cant wait to read it!

  4. I’m so excited for the Pretenders can’t wait to start reading it!!!!!:3

  5. really.

  6. Yay Pretenders!! I really want a SWAP bracelet 🙂 I’ll get one as soon as I convince my mom I need one 😛
    Thanks for the Selfie tips!
    Are you going to leave the US for book signings and stuff?

  7. What would you say to someone trying to recover from an eating disorder?

  8. Well they are so beautiful lisi, but i can’t pay over thirty dollars for a bracelet. D’=

  9. Hahaha, I feel like you read my mind. I mean, I seem to be the only one in the world who can’t take selfies 😛 Anyhow, soon as school is over, I’ll start saving up for Pretenders 🙂

  10. LISI I WAS LOOKING AT PRETENDERS ON GOOGLE BOOKS AND THE 2ND PAGE SAID NIALL FROM 1D ON IT. IM FREAKING OUT.

  11. Ugh I am so bummed! I got Pretenders at my Hastings after a heck of a time since they only had one copy and then stuck it in my purse yesterday when I went to the college to try to get some financial aid. My uncle died n 2006 and left me his house so according to the peeps at the college if i own my home I don’t need help. Then to make my day worse, I took my two younger nephews to the park with my boyfriend to play soccer. Have done so many times before I thought nothing of leaving my purse in the car. HA I get back to my car my window was smashed in and my purse was stolen wth EVERYTHING in it! my wallet with my drivers license, my social security card, my credt card, two hundred dollars cash was going to use today for christmas shopping for my family, my Pretenders book:( Now had to borrow money for a new D from my grandma, my stupid store here doesn’t have any more copies of Lisi’s and now there is no way I can afford a swap bracelet:'(. Sometimes I just hate people so much they suck! I don’t get how people can be so mean.

  12. I posted my receipt! Also: If Cam Fisher were a cat, he would be this cat: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/208854501442881750/

  13. GAAAH!!! I WANT TO READ IT SO BAD BUT MY PARENTS VIOLATED THE 8TH AMENDMENT AND GROUNDED ME FROM BOOKS D:

  14. Hi Lisi!
    Where can we get a cool Pretenders shirt like the one you are wearing in the shout out?

    P.S. I luv luv luv the S.W.A.P.s!

  15. I cant wait to see you at barnes and noble in bella terra the 15th!!!

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