Last week I had a very honest conversation with author Jen Calonita about navigating middle school. We talked about our new books, our fantasy do-overs, and how the struggles we had as 12-year-olds haven’t gone away. We also explore my new favorite question: Is it possible for friends to grow up without growing apart?

Well? Is it? What do you think?

Enjoy!

xoxo Lisi

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Are you wandering the social desert looking for your tribe? Want to branch out because you’re not being treated like the wonder woman that you are? Can you relate to these comments?

Lisi, what’s your take on friend making? Do you think it is like love where people say if you look for it, you won’t find it? What’s a good way to find friends? -Kiana

 I don’t have a lot of friends, and feel really awkward when I meet new people. I don’t feel like I fit in. Mostly like a misfit. I probably have like 2 friends but they’re not even similar to me. Hopefully Lisi can help us both! -Lauren

1.  Know your Value. Yes, it’s easy to feel like a dork when you’re trolling for a buddy. You’re all, “I hope they like me,” about everyone you meet, caring more about them accepting you than you accepting them. But keep that up and you’ll be buying friendship rings for back-stabbers by Friday. So make a list of five awesome things you have you to offer your FBFF (Future BFF) and keep that front and center while you’re trolling. Remember, they have to be worthy of YOU. In other words, don’t give the friend milk away for free.
2. Manifesty your Bestie.  Now make a list of what you want in a friend. Interests, values, attitudes, sense of humor, level of athleticism… whatever five things matter to you. When you meet a potential candidate ask yourself how many boxes they check on your list. Anything less than four out of five and you should delete them from your cart. Think I’m being harsh? Re-read #1.
3. Be the Bee. When I moved from New York City to Laguna Beach I didn’t know a single person. Long story short, I started a Dirty Book Club and I was never lonely again. That’s a very simplistic version but the point is I went after it. I found an activity that I thought was fun and I built a club around it. That’s right, instead of waiting to be invited, I did the inviting. It gave me a sense of control over the people I wanted to be with and the activities I wanted to do. So start a book club, a hiking club, a comic book club, and baking club…whatever you feel passionate about. Invite a few people and start make memories. Warning: If you become a controlling snot I will hunt you down. This is about bonding not bossing.
4. Don’t Be The Bird. There’s a bird outside the window of my sunroom that needs some serious therapy. Every morning she knocks her tiny bird skull into the glass and tries to get in. This has yet to work and she has yet to give up. Some might call that perseverance. (Mostly, stalkers.) But I call it a massive waste of time and a headache waiting to happen. So ask yourself, are you the bird, trying to get into a clique that’s closed? If so, quit wasting your time. Look for open windows instead: school clubs, sports teams, acting lessons, karate lessons, photography classes…if you’re banging your head trying to get in, you’re in the wrong place.
5. Be Likeable.  Not a kiss-ass or a pushover, just likable. Smile. Act interested. Laugh. Don’t gossip. Be kind. Be patient. Be the kind of person your FBFF would put on her list.

TTYW,
Lisi

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Hi Lisi! I have a problem, maybe you can help. You always give the best advice. It’s about my best friend, now my ex-best friend. We met at work two years ago and became best friends fast but then I noticed that she always had a lot of free time and nobody else except me to fill it. She became really needy. Problem is, I have a TON of people in my life, friends I’ve had before her and then I got a boyfriend. I made sure to be available to her as much as I possibly could. She started making friends with another girl and tweeting about stuff “bad friends” do once they have boyfriends. We just started drifting apart fast and I kept hoping she would reach out to me or I would think about texting her just with “Hi” to see where things go, but I remember all the times she’s said mean things to me in the past and I’m not sure I want to go through that again. It really hurts me still and I wish something could be worked out, but now I think I feel resentment towards the whole thing because I don’t know what I did to make her act this way. Help!Love you! Kendra

Clap your hands if you can relate to Kendra’s story. Did you hear that thunder, Kendra? The entire female population is making some noise. This is the romantic-comedy formula for best friends. Girl has girl, girl gets boyfriend, girl loses girl… Cliche at this point.

Here are your options:

1) Go deep, Kendra, and ask yourself the hard question: Do I want this person as a friend?

Be honest with yourself. Do you miss her or the idea of having a best friend who worships you? Is she more trouble than she’s worth and is this “fight” more of a blessing than a curse? Is it a way for you to get rid of someone who brings you down? Aside from your hurt feelings has life been less complicated without her making you feel guilty and responsible for her feelings? If the answer is, “Yes, Lisi. As a matter of fact, I have been feeling better without her in my life because I don’t feel like I’m being punished for having a life.” Then stop here. Consider yourself lucky and continue to surround yourself with people who support you.

If you truly miss her, explore option #2.

2) You need to talk about this like your ancestors did—without screens, in person. Send a cute card. Yep—pen, paper, stamp, postal worker. Tell her you miss her. Tell her what you miss about her. Tell her you’d like to meet and talk about it in 3D. If she doesn’t respond she’s not the friend you thought she was and it’s done. If she does then go for it. Once you’re together take a moment and describe what it must feel like to be her. Tell her how you think she must be feeling about this fight. She will let you know if you’re right. Then ask her to tell you how you must be feeling. This allows both of you to feel this fight from the other person’s point of view. It helps. Trust me. Then ask her if she wants to make this work. If she says yes, put some new rules in place. What does she need to feel secure in your friendship? What do you need to feel unencumbered by her?

In a best case scenario you will redefine your friendship and come out stronger. Worst case, you’re done. Which means there’s an opening in your shopping cart for someone new and fantastic. Either way, you win.

TTYW,

Lisi

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