The Teat of Technology Part 2

Hey Good Looking,

(Yeah, I’m talking to you.)

Last week I gave you a list of ten reasons why those of you born in 2000 and beyond have it easier than those of us who are, as old people like to say, wiser. Well, now it’s my turn to gloat.

The following are ten ways that pre-millennials had it better.

1) Prank Calls. We got to make ’em, got to answer ’em, and we laughed our abs into six-packs because of ’em. Nothing brought more hilarity to a sleepover than dialing up random people or our crushes and messing with them over the phone. Unless the victim recognized our voices (most of us mastered the art of disguise), we got away with it because there was no caller ID. It was total anonymity and a total blast.

2) We embraced our awkward stages. Yep, I had braces, a layered perm that made me look like a pineapple, and forehead zits. It was hideous. But we didn’t feel the need to document every second of our lives and post about them. The only people who knew we were scary and pubescent were our family members and classmates. And guess what–they were busted too. We got to surf our hormonal waves, experiment with ill-fitted clothes, and rock unflattering hairstyles without some future boss or lover finding the evidince online. All experimenting was done off the record. You’re seeing this high school picture of me because I’m CHOOSING to share it with you.


3) For the record I am a huge environmentalist. But in 1970s, not so much. We used to eat McDonalds in the car and then throw our wrappers out the window when we were done. It was insane. Awful on every possible level. But when you’re a kid, and no one tells you that littering is bad, and when even grown ups are doing it, you don’t realize it’s wrong. Let me just say if I ever saw anyone do anything like that now I would hunt them down and force feed them public bathroom trash. But back then it was considered normal. And let me just say that tossing a Big Mac container (Styrofoam, no less) out of a speeding station wagon felt like total freedom.

4) On that note, we ate fast food without shame.

5) We suntanned without shame.

6) We didn’t have devices so playing with friends was way more creative and, dare I say, FUN! We made up games. We got messy. We laughed and ran and got yelled at by uptight neighbors. We were living in all three dimensions and because of it our social skills can beat up your social skills. (If you don’t know what social skills are, Google it.)

7) Sadly, bullying existed back then. But it was limited to the bus, the playground, the neighborhood. It didn’t reach global proportions. No one was publicly shamed. Bully’s couldn’t hide behind screens. They had to face their targets. And many times that meant facing consequences, too.

8) Electricity blackouts were exciting. They in no way made us feel like the end was near. Why? Because we weren’t completely dependent on electricity for every single thing we do.

9) We didn’t have to take our shoes off when going through airport security.

10) We were alive! (no offense.)

Now I want to hear what you think the ups and downs are of your generation.




The Teat of Technology part 1


I hope you all had a great long weekend.

What did I do, you ask? I drove to Palm Springs with my friend Elaine to celebrate her birthday. If this picture proves anything it’s that you can take the girl out of Laguna Beach but you can’t keep her from dropping a french fry in her bellybutton. That’s me on the right admiring my accuracy. And yes, of course I shared it with Elaine. It was her birthday.

Palm springs

Anyway, we got to talking about how different life was when we were in high school (1980s)  compared to life in high school now (2000 and beyond). And we came up with two lists: We Had It Worse Because… AND  We Had It Better Because…

After reviewing them both it was hard to say who had it better. You be the judge. Here is the first list.


1. When we wanted to withdrawal or deposit cash we had to line up inside the bank, fill out forms, and deal with a snooty teller.   YOU HAVE ATM’S.

2. When we needed driving directions we had to use a map (like the paper kind) or write directions on some crumpled up gum wrapper and try to read it while driving without getting lost or killed.  YOU HAVE GOOGLE MAPS, GPS, and UBER.

3. We had to write letters, invitations, thank you notes, and hate mail with pens and paper. Then we needed stamps and mailboxes. Anxious for a reply? Pack some snacks and get a book. It might be a while. YOU HAVE EMAIL, TEXTS, and MENTAL TELEPATHY. (You don’t have the telepathy yet but you probably will by the time this posts.)

4. If we wanted to talk to someone and they were on the phone with someone else we’d hear a busy signal. We’d have to keep dialing for hours until they hung up. When we finally did get through there was a good chance one of our parents or siblings was eavesdropping on the other line. THE FACT THAT YOU CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE THIS SAYS I DON’T NEED TO EXPLAIN HOW YOU HAVE IT BETTER.  JUST KNOW THAT YOU DO.

5. We didn’t have phones. So if we were meeting someone at the movies and they were late we’d either assume they were dead or standing us up. Since both possibilities were equally upsetting we felt evil and self-centered. By the time the person did show up we were in a terrible mood and the night was soured. A SIMPLE TEXT AND ALL IS EXPLAINED.

6. If I liked a song I’d have to buy the whole crappy album. iTUNES, SPOTIFY, PANDORA…

7. Think about how many times you hit delete when typing. Now imagine there is no delete. Every mistake you make you have to open a jar of White Out and paint over it. Wait for it to dry then start again. A single sentence could take months to perfect. By the end my fingers looked like I worked at a bird sanctuary. All those white splotchy stains… HIGHLIGHT-DELETE.

8. Have a research paper due or maybe a question about nocturnal animals? Get off your butt and get a ride down to the library. Once you’re there you better hope someone is free to help you find the right books because there are thousands of them. THOU—-SANDS. If no one is available prepare for a panic attack or an F.  SEARCH ENGINES.

9. I had to know at least thirty people’s phone numbers by heart. ADD CONTACT.

10. People smoked on airplanes, in restaurants, cars… and I had the pleasure of inhaling it all. I wanted to be an opera singer. I am a writer. Thanks Dad. I’D SAY YOU HAVE E-CIGS BUT THERE’S NO WAY THOSE ARE MUCH BETTER SO I’M GOING TO CREDIT THE LAW ON THIS ONE.

I’m not even going to mention your ability to delete ugly pics of yourselves. It’s so unfair. I looked like the magician, Doug Henning, in High School. Don’t know who he is? Google him–because you can.

Growing up is easier for those of you fortunate enough to suckle on the teat of technology. But is it more fun? I’m going to say no. Next week I’ll tell you what technology has taken from you. Unless the power goes out. Then you’ll know.



Cellph Help

Most people would describe me as easy-going but that’s not to say I don’t have my pet peeves. Chief among them is a person who is quick to point out a problem without providing a solution. That’s just crop-dusting negativity and we don’t need any more of that. So when I came across the following list of ways cell phones are destroying our lives I was instantly peeved. Partly because I can name fifty ways cell phones have saved my life. But mostly because this cellph-hater didn’t offer any solutions.

Lucky for you, I’m on it.

Cellph-Hater: Cellphones are ruining our relationships. Before we thought that cell phones hurt our relationships with significant others, but now we’re finding that essentially all relationships are affected by cell phones due to lack of being present and attentive. They are distracting us even more than ever before instead of “keeping us connected” as they’re being marketed.

Cellph-Help: Boundaries, people. No cellphones at the table. No texting when you are with a 3-D person. No texting while someone is lecturing you about how much you’ve been texting lately.

Done. Next…

Cellph-Hater: Using your cell phone too much gives you acne. A ton of bacteria from hands and fingers, touching flat surfaces or random things in your pockets or bag, and your own oils from your skin all hang out on the screen.


phoneDone. Next…

Cellph-Hater: Cell phones are hurting our sleep patterns. The soft blue glow our phones emit conflicts with the melatonin and other hormones that make you sleepy and allow for more peaceful sleep. Looking at our cell phones right before bed to check one last email or send one more text also messes with our brains ability to relax and find sleep easier.

Cellph-Help: I agree. So read these series

Clique Pic     Alphas Pic     Monster High Pic     Pretenders Pic

 before bed and you’ll be fine.

And… Next.

Cellph-Hater: Cell phones are ruining our eyes. Studies are showing that we are focusing too hard and too long on the small objects on our cell phone screens, i.e. words in a text message. We’re finding the need for glasses or contacts is far more frequent in younger people these days than ever before.

Cellph-Help: Go into settings and increase the size of your font. Then try to limit your texting to five minutes every hour. I got special glasses with a yellow tint because I’m facing a screen all day. While the yellow doesn’t look very jazzy it does minimize glare which helps my peepers.


Cellph-Hater: Cell phones can give us saggy jowls and are ruining our posture. Vain? Maybe. But people are going to regret this in years to come. Staring down at our phones all the time is also bad for us because it can change posture. One doctor told The Daily Mail that looking at your cell too much can cause pain in your neck or shoulders because leaning forward like that “squashes the top of your spine and compresses the nerves that go up to your head.” This can cause headaches and also make us feel tired and stiff.

Cellph-Help: Text upside down.


See? Problems solved.




You are sophisticated enough to know that a faux-pas is the fancy French way of saying, what we North American’s typically call, “a fu#%-up.” Or what I, being far too eloquent to curse might refer to as, “a blunder” or “a mistake.” But have you heard of the phone-pas? Doubtful since as of post-time I am convinced I coined the term, which means, “a blunder we make with our phones”.

In celebration of the new iPhone5 I present 5 PHONE-PAS you MUST avoid.

1. It’s 2012. Even vampires show up on film these days. So don’t let a camera and microphone convince you that you have something smart to say. If you don’t know what you’re talking about make like an external drive and zip it. But if you must give your opinion it’s always best to act unimpressed. Unlike these people.

2. There is absolutely no clever way of saying this so I’m going to give it to you straight. It’s super ah-nnoying hanging out with you while you’re texting, checking, posting, tweeting, or searching. You’re basically saying, “Whatever you are talking about is a serious snoozer. But the people in my address book? Truly fascinating!”

3. Unless you are an on-call doctor first on the organ transplant list you better be looking in my eyeballs and hanging on my every 3-D, HD word.

4. Phones are like elbows. Get them off the table.

Fine, sometimes I eat with my elbows on the table. But I’m serious about the phones. It just leads to issue #2 and you know how I feel about that.

5. CRUCIAL: If you are going to use acronyms know what they mean. A few days ago I texted my mom who is new to ‘the text message’ and still finding her way. But still. I wrote to tell her I had food poisoning. And do you know what the woman sent back?


I kid you not. I couldn’t believe how heartless she was. I am an adult, yes, but I was weak and vulnerable and I wanted some mommy love. She called me later so of course I asked why she thought my brush with death (drama sells, baby) was so laugh out loud funny. And you know what she said?

“Lisi, I didn’t think it was funny. I was sending you LOL–Lots Of Love!”

I mean, come awn.
TTYW (Mom, that means Talk To You Wednesday.)