SMUGG BOOTS

 

Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift

“There’s a lid for every pot out there.”

“It happens when you’re least expecting it.”

“It’s when you’re not looking that you’ll find him.”

“Your Prince Charming will come.” 

Single ladies across the Internet are outraged over a twitter exchange between Taylor Swift and newly engaged Lady Gaga. Here’s what went down:

tweets    Some are saying how sweet Lady Gaga was, but most think that if her words were boots they’d be SMUGG BOOTS. (Forgive me, Father. It’s been hours since my last pun.) Personally, I think…actually I don’t think that much about it at all. And I don’t think Lady did either. My guess is that she expressed her appreciation in 140 characters then moved on to the ten billion other things on her I Do List. But the debate does bring up a good point. The idea that a girl’s life is not complete until she meets her Prince Charming is a royal bunch of b.s. After years of marriage most of them end up looking like frogs.  

Wanting to become someone’s other half, simply for the sake of it is insane. It’s also frighteningly accurate because many women complain about “losing themselves” over the course of their relationships. If you ask me, the single ones–the girls who are holding onto themselves instead of holding out for someone else–should be dolling out advice to those coupling up. “Hang in there. You won’t always have to compromise. He’ll go out of town eventually. You can make your own choices then.” Or “Girls Night Out will be more meaningful when it happens once a month as opposed to every weekend.” And “There’s nothing like sharing a bed with a snorer to remind you you’re not alone.”  

If we weren’t brainwashed by romantic comedies and the like (that end just before reality sinks in), we might have a healthier approach to falling in love. It wouldn’t be something we go looking for but rather something that finds us. It wouldn’t feel like being rescued or completed. It would feel like one hundred percent of you, with a free side of scrumptous, nutritious, fat-free fries. Something wonderful added bonus. Something extra we never needed or asked for or even knew was existed. Something that brings flavor to our already delicious single-patty lives. Napkin optional. 

amanda bynes

Old school Bynes never lets me down.

TTYW,

Lisi                        

FREE BALL

I received a message from Dani yesterday with a question that’s so blah-g worthy, you’ll feel like you’ve asked it yourself. That’s because many of you have, and it has to do with moving on after a relationship ends.

Here’s what Dani said about her situation:

Hi Lisi! You always give the most ah-mayzing advice…and I could really use some. So, I’m a competitive high school bowler, and so is my ex. I have to be with him about 3, sometimes 4 days a week and its been really tough on me and my bowling game. The break-up is still fresh and came out of no where and its just really hit me now, I think I was in denial for a little while. It’s giving me major anxiety to the point where I don’t even want to leave the house. Any advice of forgetting him and focusing on myself and my girls?

Thank you!
Love,
Dani

1) Laugh your balls off: Dani, in the world of bowlers you are now considered a free-baller. I know I should probably SPARE your feelings and lay off the jokes but sometimes making fun of those moments in life when we STRIKE out can help. So try to keep a sense of humor when you can and see how many other bowling terms you and your friends can come up with to describe your feelings surrounding this break-up. It might feel like a corny exercise but at least you’ll be laughing. Let me know what they are.

2) Channel surf: Make like Sheridan Spencer from Pretenders and channel a focused bowler who also happens to be seriously over this breakup. That’s right, fake it. Get into character before the game and act. I used to do that in high school in front of my crush after he dumped me. I would cry ever night but at school I acted like I had never been happier. It freaked him out and I got some joy from that. Your game will improve and so will your mood–at least until you get home.

3) Journal: Write about your sadness. This is the place for drama so let it rip. You can also write about the qualities you want in your next crush and ask yourself honestly how many of those qualities this guy had. Or write letters to the future love of your life. Talk to your next boyfriend like he really exists. Manifest him.

4) Put gum on the bottom of his bowling shoes: Yep, that’s what I said.

5) Focus: Part of being an athlete is tuning out the world and outside distractions. I’m not an athlete but I know one and I happen to have a lot of distractions. I downloaded The Art of Mental Training by D.C. Gonzalez and I listen to it on my phone when I need to get in the zone. There are a ton of helpful tips about staying focused and playing your best game. I believe his philosophies could apply to the dating game as well.

Now go bust some balls!!

TTYW,
Lisi

Q&A Part 3

 

Q&A Part 3

Hi friends. I’ve got three more video replies for you today. Plus some sweet under-eye circles to prove how hard I’m working. Jannette, Jacinda, and Kaelan, these are for you.

* * *

Opps, my reply was too long so the video was cut short. The rest said: It’s easier to admit you’re not perfect than it is to cover it up.

 

More to come next week!

TTYW,

Lisi

#WeArePretenders

I, Lisi Harrison, am a Pretender. I have ventured beyond my limitations in a playful way. I have spray tanned, batted false eyelashes, dyed my hair, worn a water bra, and jammed my gut into SPANX! I’ve performed live concerts for invisible crowds and faked my period to get out of swim class. I’ve said it’s not him, it’s me when it was him and I’ve used a fake I.D. to vote. I’ve even claimed to use a fake I.D. to vote when it was really to rent a vehicle. I mean a bike. I mean… fine, I tried alcohol before I was 21. Kidding. It was to vote.

Aside from making up characters, dialogue and stories for a living, my most elaborate game of pretend is my Morning Staff Meeting. It takes place in my office approximately five minutes after I arrive. I set down my latte, light a vanilla scented candle, and ask my assistant Oscar (yes, a pretend one)

Oscar

to assemble the department heads. He buzzes me on the intercom when they have gathered. Allow me to introduce them….

staff Starting on the left: Paula is in charge of the Psychology Department. Things like mood, motivation, and mindset. I tell her where I’m at and she gives me permission to own my feelings. Sheena handles fitness and health. She forces me to get up and stretch every hour also reminds me when it’s time to break for lunch and when I’m chewing my gum too aggressively. Zee is all fashion. Not just mine but for my characters too. She helps me dress them and sometimes lets me take a break to shop online. I bought her a t-shirt that says, Add To Cart for her birthday last week. She loved it even though it was turquoise which was so last year’s color. Finally there’s W.D., Head of Writing. He advises me to stop talking to magazine covers and get to work. Even when I’m not feeling creative he makes me write. We have a love-hate thing.  The ceramic dog is Chiquita. Her job is to purr like a kitten and lay glitter eggs, obviously. Fake as it all may seem, this meeting grounds me in the moment and gets me ready for the day ahead. It also keeps me  amused and puts me in the mindset for creativity. So go on, talk about it. I have nothing to be ashamed of.  Identity thieves aside, pretending is harmless. If the Army lets you be all you can be, pretending lets you be all that you can’t. Unless your name is Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter, those are many things. So go on, say it. My name is ________ and I am a Pretender. LOUDER!

My name is ________ and I am a Pretender!!!

Feels good, doesn’t it?

PLEASE tell me how you pretend and don’t forget to tag your post on social media (Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram and Twitter) #WeArePretenders and help me show the rest of the world that #TheyAreInDenial.

 

TTYW,

Lisi

 

Pretend is to lie as kitten is to lion. One is cute, the other callous.” 

-Lisi Harrison #Author #SelfQuoter

They don’t call me EhMaFraud for nothing.

If I had a degree in psychology I’d change the name of this ragtag advice column from EhMaFraud to EhMaFREUD. But until then the FRAUD is there because my only teacher thus far is life. And while my experience with boys, friends, parents, careers, writing, and wardrobes can be of service to you, there are some areas that I am not fully equipped to handle. Here are two examples from two ultra brave girls:

Hi Lisi!!

I know a girl that isn’t feeling very good about her self right now. She feels fat, ugly, worthless… She’s considered suicide. I’ve been trying to deter her from suicide, and so far I like to think I’ve been helping. I sent her 2 of your blah-g posts. The Faking Amazing one and There’s no I in Esteem. She confessed to me today she was going to start skipping lunches to loose weight, because it was the only meal she could skip without her parents knowing. I don’t know what to tell her, I don’t know how to help her. I can’t force her to eat because I never see her and even if I tried to I know she won’t. I asked her to at least eat a little bit, and loosing weight isn’t simply not eating. So I thought if one person can help, or at least give all the advice she can, it would be you.

Lisi please help, I don’t know what to do anymore!!

Also, if the girl I wrote this about reads this comment, I’m deeply sorry I posted it here. I just really think you need help, and no one offers better help than Lisi. Sorry.

Thanks Lisi,
Kathy

Kathy, you sound like an incredible friend and person. This girl is blessed to have you looking out for her. She might be too consumed with her own issues to know that now, but she will figure it out eventually. That said, there is only so much you, or I, can do to help her. I suggest you tell your parents what is going on and ask them to approach her parents. If they aren’t aware of their daughter’s situation, they need to be. And if they are aware, perhaps it’s time they got outside help. If this doesn’t seem like a good option, tell the school nurse or student adviser. Don’t tell other students because this will quickly become gossip and you don’t want to embarrass your friend.

Keep in mind she might resent you for “telling” on her and you need to be prepared for this. Sometimes people who are going through something difficult lash out at the people trying to help them because they’re scared and might feel ambushed or judged. Don’t take it personally. You are a fantastic friend–take that personally.

Let us know how it goes. Good luck.

 

hi!
its me, Sylvia, again. I know this is going to be a bit off topic, but I really need help.
There is this girl (lets call her Roxanne) and she is in my grade. I idolize her. Roxanne is pretty, smart, athletic, fast, cool and witty. She has lots of friends and knows a lot of other people.I know i yak off about this girl in my comments and I’m really sorry if its really annoying, but I’m just feeling so alone. My ‘best friend’ seems to be drifting away from me. In fact, EVERYONE is drifting away from me, even if they are not my friends, and believe me, I don’t feel as if I have friends anymore. real ones, to be exact. I spend my lunch hour hiding in the girls bathroom, reading, because i’m too afraid to go outside. Its not like I’m bullied or anything. Its that I’m ignored and looked down upon. I get cold looks and dull faces whenever I’m around. its been my daily routine to start the morning crying, spend my break times in the bathroom crying, and end the day in tears. I know it sounds pointless, but it really hurts to me, because all the girls in my grade are friends, and i’m that awkward loser standing outside their tight cluster, trying to win a spot to get in. I’m always the first one to send emails and smile at people, or start conversations, but I’m turned down faster than i can blink. it makes me feel awkward, annoying and unwanted, because when I send emails, I never get replies (or I get emails back about them asking me why i’m such a sap.). When i smile at someone, I get a cold, blank look back. When I try to talk to people, i’m easily ignored and shut out. now, if i really have to go outside, i have to run around trying to find the girls that used to be my friends, so i won’t stand around like a loser. i know i sound really selfish, but i really do try to make friends, or start our relationship again. everyday. Every single stinking second, I’m trying to smile and laugh and act witty. Just so I can get someone to look at me. My greatest achievement nowadays is when someone smiles at me. I feel like i’m walking on clouds. but now, no one waves when i wave at them, or they blame me for some stupid idea i never made up. It’s like I don’t exist to them! it gets to the point when i’m sobbing like a baby in the bathrooms. i don’t even want to live anymore. I know it sounds pointless or boring, but i’ve spent two years trying to make friends. I am absolutely desperate.
Sylvia

Sylvia,

My heart goes out to you. You sound incredibly lonely and confused. I would be too if I was doing the best I could and wasn’t getting the results I expected. I wish I could spend time at your school so I could see the dynamic between you and these girls. Maybe then I’d be able to understand what’s happening here. Since I can’t, I think you should speak to someone who might be able to take a closer look at your approach and/or the girls you are dealing with. Perhaps a student adviser or a therapist.

I love therapy. I’ve been going off and on for decades. There isn’t a shrink’s couch in NY or Laguna Beach that isn’t holding some of my loose change behind its cushions. There is nothing better than getting an outside person’s perspective. Someone who won’t judge you, gossip about you, or jump to conclusions. They will help you get to the bottom of these issues and set you on a more positive path. In the meantime, keep in mind that school is just one small part of your long life. It feels like everything now. I get that. But it’s not. We live in a big diverse world. If you don’t find your groove in school you will find it later. I promise. So focus on getting great grades for now. That way you can go to any college you want, instead of kissing the girls’ butts, you’ll be kissing them goodbye in no time.

Keep me posted.

Stay brave girls!!!

TTYW,

Lisi