I, Lisi Harrison, am a Pretender. I have ventured beyond my limitations in a playful way. I have spray tanned, batted false eyelashes, dyed my hair, worn a water bra, and jammed my gut into SPANX! I’ve performed live concerts for invisible crowds and faked my period to get out of swim class. I’ve said it’s not him, it’s me when it was him and I’ve used a fake I.D. to vote. I’ve even claimed to use a fake I.D. to vote when it was really to rent a vehicle. I mean a bike. I mean… fine, I tried alcohol before I was 21. Kidding. It was to vote.
Aside from making up characters, dialogue and stories for a living, my most elaborate game of pretend is my Morning Staff Meeting. It takes place in my office approximately five minutes after I arrive. I set down my latte, light a vanilla scented candle, and ask my assistant Oscar (yes, a pretend one)
to assemble the department heads. He buzzes me on the intercom when they have gathered. Allow me to introduce them….
Starting on the left: Paula is in charge of the Psychology Department. Things like mood, motivation, and mindset. I tell her where I’m at and she gives me permission to own my feelings. Sheena handles fitness and health. She forces me to get up and stretch every hour also reminds me when it’s time to break for lunch and when I’m chewing my gum too aggressively. Zee is all fashion. Not just mine but for my characters too. She helps me dress them and sometimes lets me take a break to shop online. I bought her a t-shirt that says, Add To Cart for her birthday last week. She loved it even though it was turquoise which was so last year’s color. Finally there’s W.D., Head of Writing. He advises me to stop talking to magazine covers and get to work. Even when I’m not feeling creative he makes me write. We have a love-hate thing. The ceramic dog is Chiquita. Her job is to purr like a kitten and lay glitter eggs, obviously. Fake as it all may seem, this meeting grounds me in the moment and gets me ready for the day ahead. It also keeps me amused and puts me in the mindset for creativity. So go on, talk about it. I have nothing to be ashamed of. Identity thieves aside, pretending is harmless. If the Army lets you be all you can be, pretending lets you be all that you can’t. Unless your name is Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter, those are many things. So go on, say it. My name is ________ and I am a Pretender. LOUDER!
My name is ________ and I am a Pretender!!!
Feels good, doesn’t it?
PLEASE tell me how you pretend and don’t forget to tag your post on social media (Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram and Twitter) #WeArePretenders and help me show the rest of the world that #TheyAreInDenial.
“Pretend is to lie as kitten is to lion. One is cute, the other callous.”
-Lisi Harrison #Author #SelfQuoter