I pride myself on being a voice of optimism. I tend to blah-g solutions not complaints. But here I am, staring at the screen, waiting for my thoughts to boil into a blahg-worthy idea and… UGH. All of my ideas are depressing. Not a single one will launch you into winter break with joy. So I asked Alisha my office elf to help. She came up with some great ideas. A list of nice things we can do for one another this season like send a care package to a soldier, foster a dog or cat, shovel a neighbor’s snow, write a thoughtful note to someone just because, or donate your old books and pj’s to the Pajama Program.
She also suggested I come up with a list of my favorite books and movies. Of course I love Clueless and the book Stargirl and… It was a great idea but I have to be honest. I feel sad and unmotivated and not in the mood to make fun lists. It’s like I have PMS in my heart.
I don’t usually feel this down, you guys. I mean, I have but there’s always been a concrete reason. Something I can fix or remedy or self-help my way through. But this feeling is all swirly and twisty and hard to pinpoint. It just feels heavy. Maybe because this is my last blah-g of 2012 so I am expected to reflect on 2012 but every time I think about 2012 the twisty feeling gets more twisty and the heaviness quadruples. Why? Because this year has kind of SUCKED in a big way. Personally I have lost two family members, my uncle and grandmother. I have worked non-stop and have a lot of close friends who have been enduring some extremely rough stuff. And then there’s the loss in this country. I have not yet found the words to express the gut wrenching sadness…ugh, I honestly don’t know what to say about last week’s shooting. I can only cry. And then Hurricane Sandy and…
See? I don’t want to be a downer, especially in my final post of 2012. And yet there’s nothing in my feel-good bag of tricks that seems strong enough to burn through this malaise. Maybe because it’s not a time for tricks or quick fixes. Maybe because all of this tragedy is real. And it’s supposed to hurt and all the Glee playlists in the world can’t do anything about that. So I am going to just sit here and stare at my screen and let myself feel it. I will cry and I will write. I will move through it the way we all will–one second at a time. What I won’t do is bum out on the roll of stomach meat resting on the top of my jeans, or the zit on my chin, or the cold weather (yes it’s actually freezing in Laguna) or the fight I had with my life-crush last night, or the deadline for my book that isn’t even half-done, or the dark circles under my eyes, or the stack of bills I have to pay, or the broken windshield wiper on my car or the sock that keeps sliding down my leg and bunching up in my boot. I’m just not. In fact, I’m going to slap myself across the face every time I do. Harsh? Perhaps. But sometimes we all need a good smack to remind us how lucky we are to be here. Even when “here” doesn’t feel like the best place to be. It’s better than the alternative and for that I am profoundly grateful.
I love you all. Slappy Holidays!!!!