At the risk of sounding pretentious I’d like to start this blog by quoting myself. Last week I wrote, “I happen to know that there is someone in your life that doesn’t make you feel good. They have you believing you’re not good enough…” This struck a chord with many of you and I have the comments to prove it.
Kyla doesn’t want to give up on her friend, but wants her to change. Kiana wants to know what to do if this person is a relative. And Elizabeth’s boyfriend would be so amazing if only he was totally different.
These three ladies, along with the rest of us who allow toxic people to poison our lives, have an addiction. An addiction to potential. We see the potential in someone and cling to that fantasy vision with everything we have. We’re certain that they will become the rom-com rehabilitated version of themselves if we give them more time. More patience. More guidance. More forgiveness. And when they don’t we make excuses for them. Or worse, we blame ourselves.
Because we don’t have the courage to blame them. Blaming them means acknowledging that this relationship is completely out of our control. For it to improve the other person has to make changes and we kinda know they won’t. After all, change is hard and uncomfortable. And most people aren’t up for that.
I certainly hope so because changing YOUR behavior is the only way to improve this situation. Here are three ways:
1. When you find yourself obsessing over another person’s behavior think F.O.M. It stands for Focus On Me. (Not me, you.) Stop thinking about them immediately and get back to what you’re doing. Be where your feet are. Why? Because you are the only thing you can control.
2. Think like a 12-stepper. (Not the county line dancers, the anonymous alcoholics). You see, they have a little something called The Serenity Prayer and it works wonders to help you understand what is yours to take on and what is not.
Grant me serenity to accept the things I can not change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.
Translation: If your mom hates your outfit that’s her problem. Let it go. If you hate your outfit, change it. Know what you can control and what you can’t. If you can control it, make it better. If you can’t, delete from cart. Which leads me to my next point…
3. You are NOT responsible for other people’s happiness. You can’t make someone happy. Sure, you can try, but only they can decide if it’s going to work. The reverse is also true. Happy is self-generated. It’s like eating and peeing. No one can do it for you.
If you take these three tips to heart and really integrate them into your life I promise you will feel better. Actually, I can’t promise that. It’s all up to you.