If I had a degree in psychology I’d change the name of this ragtag advice column from EhMaFraud to EhMaFREUD. But until then the FRAUD is there because my only teacher thus far is life. And while my experience with boys, friends, parents, careers, writing, and wardrobes can be of service to you, there are some areas that I am not fully equipped to handle. Here are two examples from two ultra brave girls:
I know a girl that isn’t feeling very good about her self right now. She feels fat, ugly, worthless… She’s considered suicide. I’ve been trying to deter her from suicide, and so far I like to think I’ve been helping. I sent her 2 of your blah-g posts. The Faking Amazing one and There’s no I in Esteem. She confessed to me today she was going to start skipping lunches to loose weight, because it was the only meal she could skip without her parents knowing. I don’t know what to tell her, I don’t know how to help her. I can’t force her to eat because I never see her and even if I tried to I know she won’t. I asked her to at least eat a little bit, and loosing weight isn’t simply not eating. So I thought if one person can help, or at least give all the advice she can, it would be you.
Lisi please help, I don’t know what to do anymore!!
Also, if the girl I wrote this about reads this comment, I’m deeply sorry I posted it here. I just really think you need help, and no one offers better help than Lisi. Sorry.
Kathy, you sound like an incredible friend and person. This girl is blessed to have you looking out for her. She might be too consumed with her own issues to know that now, but she will figure it out eventually. That said, there is only so much you, or I, can do to help her. I suggest you tell your parents what is going on and ask them to approach her parents. If they aren’t aware of their daughter’s situation, they need to be. And if they are aware, perhaps it’s time they got outside help. If this doesn’t seem like a good option, tell the school nurse or student adviser. Don’t tell other students because this will quickly become gossip and you don’t want to embarrass your friend.
Keep in mind she might resent you for “telling” on her and you need to be prepared for this. Sometimes people who are going through something difficult lash out at the people trying to help them because they’re scared and might feel ambushed or judged. Don’t take it personally. You are a fantastic friend–take that personally.
Let us know how it goes. Good luck.
its me, Sylvia, again. I know this is going to be a bit off topic, but I really need help.
There is this girl (lets call her Roxanne) and she is in my grade. I idolize her. Roxanne is pretty, smart, athletic, fast, cool and witty. She has lots of friends and knows a lot of other people.I know i yak off about this girl in my comments and I’m really sorry if its really annoying, but I’m just feeling so alone. My ‘best friend’ seems to be drifting away from me. In fact, EVERYONE is drifting away from me, even if they are not my friends, and believe me, I don’t feel as if I have friends anymore. real ones, to be exact. I spend my lunch hour hiding in the girls bathroom, reading, because i’m too afraid to go outside. Its not like I’m bullied or anything. Its that I’m ignored and looked down upon. I get cold looks and dull faces whenever I’m around. its been my daily routine to start the morning crying, spend my break times in the bathroom crying, and end the day in tears. I know it sounds pointless, but it really hurts to me, because all the girls in my grade are friends, and i’m that awkward loser standing outside their tight cluster, trying to win a spot to get in. I’m always the first one to send emails and smile at people, or start conversations, but I’m turned down faster than i can blink. it makes me feel awkward, annoying and unwanted, because when I send emails, I never get replies (or I get emails back about them asking me why i’m such a sap.). When i smile at someone, I get a cold, blank look back. When I try to talk to people, i’m easily ignored and shut out. now, if i really have to go outside, i have to run around trying to find the girls that used to be my friends, so i won’t stand around like a loser. i know i sound really selfish, but i really do try to make friends, or start our relationship again. everyday. Every single stinking second, I’m trying to smile and laugh and act witty. Just so I can get someone to look at me. My greatest achievement nowadays is when someone smiles at me. I feel like i’m walking on clouds. but now, no one waves when i wave at them, or they blame me for some stupid idea i never made up. It’s like I don’t exist to them! it gets to the point when i’m sobbing like a baby in the bathrooms. i don’t even want to live anymore. I know it sounds pointless or boring, but i’ve spent two years trying to make friends. I am absolutely desperate.
My heart goes out to you. You sound incredibly lonely and confused. I would be too if I was doing the best I could and wasn’t getting the results I expected. I wish I could spend time at your school so I could see the dynamic between you and these girls. Maybe then I’d be able to understand what’s happening here. Since I can’t, I think you should speak to someone who might be able to take a closer look at your approach and/or the girls you are dealing with. Perhaps a student adviser or a therapist.
I love therapy. I’ve been going off and on for decades. There isn’t a shrink’s couch in NY or Laguna Beach that isn’t holding some of my loose change behind its cushions. There is nothing better than getting an outside person’s perspective. Someone who won’t judge you, gossip about you, or jump to conclusions. They will help you get to the bottom of these issues and set you on a more positive path. In the meantime, keep in mind that school is just one small part of your long life. It feels like everything now. I get that. But it’s not. We live in a big diverse world. If you don’t find your groove in school you will find it later. I promise. So focus on getting great grades for now. That way you can go to any college you want, instead of kissing the girls’ butts, you’ll be kissing them goodbye in no time.
Keep me posted.
Stay brave girls!!!