Back when I was in school, nothing depressed me more than Sunday evening. The Canadian world outside my bedroom window was dark, cold, and still. The only light seemed to come from my desk lamp which cast a judgmental glow on the leaning tower of binders that had yet to be cracked. I was either exhausted from a sleepover or mourning the lack of messages from my latest crush. I also suffered from S.H.S. or Sudden Hate Syndrome–the fear of being despised on Monday for no reason. And then there was that homework. As much as I begged, it simply refused to do itself.
On Monday everything was fine. But that Sunday night sadness always returned, bringing with it a giant hose that connected to my oddly deep belly button and sucked the happy right out of me.
Today things are different. Sunday is now Funday. How, you ask? Pretending, of course.
The Pretenders Guide To Loving The Day You Hate.
1. Create a killer playlist with all of your favorite happy songs. Only play it on Day You Hate.
This is Sheridan Spencer’s playlist from Pretenders.
How To Be A Heartbreaker – Marina and the Diamonds
Diamonds – Rihanna
Give Your Heart a Break – Demi Lovato
Beautiful – Christina Aguilera
Blue Jeans – Lana Del Rey
Obsessed – Mariah Carey
All I Want Is Everything – Victoria Justice
Popular – Wicked
Defying Gravity – Wicked
Never Alone – Fame
Body Electric – Fame
High Flying Adored – Evita
Light My Candle – Rent
Nothing – Chorus Line
What I did For Love – Chorus Line
Maybe – Annie
2. Settle on your outfit for the day before Day You Hate. Nothing kills a day faster than an outfit disaster. (I just made that up. Feel free to Tweet it.)
3. Be glad you’re not a baby animal. They’re cute, sure, but what guy is going to take one to prom?
4. Plan one thing you can look forward to on Day You Hate. A bar usually helps me…Salad bar, of course.
5. Pretend it’s not Day You Hate! (Note: This is for advanced Pretenders only. Clearly Graphics Designer is one of them.)
For more tips on pretending, pick up a copy of Pretenders, available wherever incredibly awesome books are sold.
It’s awn my friends!! I’m hitting the road this week with a fresh pen and a fading tan to spread the word about Pretenders. I’ll tell you all about the new series, I’ll sign, I’ll pose, I’ll say inappropriate things by accident, give away SWAP bracelets, Pretenders pens, and oodles of love.
Got homework? Pretend it’s done. #Wearepretenders
Got practice? Pretend you have cramps. #Wearepretenders
Got no ride? Pretend you have to buy an important book for school (#Wearepretenders) and tell the most gullible licensed driver you know to take you to…
Tuesday, October 15th
Barnes & Noble
7881 Edinger Ave.
Huntington Beach, CA
7pm – 9pm
Wednesday, October 16
Mrs. Nelsons Toy and Book Shop
1030 Bonita Ave.
La Verne, CA
5pm – 7pm
I can’t wait to see you!!
Forgive me for prying but:
Do you have a flair for drama? Do you turn to celebrities and fashion mags for inspiration? If at first you don’t succeed do you try-try again?
Yes? That’s you? Well then, your Pretender Personality is Sheridan. You like to channel different personas to fit your mood and agenda, which makes fashion one of your greatest assets. Wearing a fab outfit will give you confidence to talk to that crush, ace that test, or sweet-talk your parents into lifting that embarrassing curfew. So if you’re updating your costume closet and eager to trend like #AmericanHorrorStory, add the following five things to cart.
Channel Katy Perry and ROAR with leopard print.
Channel Dorothy and get yourself to Emerald City. This shade is the Pantone color of the year so find a way to get wicked.
Channel someone who doesn’t care about outdated fashion rules–or ill-fitting men’s shoes–and wear white after Labor Day. When I say Betty you say White! Betty, _____! Betty, ______!
Motorcycle vests are to motorcycles what salad dressing is to salad–THE BEST PART. If you really want to look like a bad-threeletterwordfordonkey strap a helmet to your purse. Just sayin’ #wearepretenders
Motorcycle vests are to motorcycles what salad dressing is to salad what boyfriend jeans are to boyfriends…
First a word from our sponsor…
Today is the day, my friends!!!! I am so excited to share this novel with you. Finally!!! This is why I am posting today instead of my usual Wednesday. I seriously can’t be contained. I have lived with these secrets long enough. I must share.
Being a Pretender is lonely. Like in a superhero sort of way. You have this public persona and then this whole other thing going on internally and if you’re any good at it, no one knows. You must become your own best friend. Your own voice of reason. And most importantly, your own photographer. Stay calm little P’s. My Pretender’s Guide to the Perfect Selfie will help. At least with the picture part.
1) Chin up, buttercup. Lift your face to the camera to avoid shar pei neck. Less is more when it comes to chins. If I wanted to see a pair of C’s I’d peek down my own shirt. #wearepretenders (I’m a B.)
2) Choose your backgrounds wisely. There’s nothing wrong with having a toilet behind you if you’re relieving yourself. But if you’re selfie-ing yourself? There’s nothing hot about the pot. (There’s a “take a crop” joke in here somewhere. I’ll keep working on it and get back to you.)
3) Any seasoned Pretender knows it’s okay to get help as long as you get all the credit. Not a very kind thing to do when another human is involved, but an App? Please. Apps are born to please. In fact, did you know that App stands for Aim (to) please please? So download a self-timer app, line up your pose, and take your sweet selfie-time. Then, 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… SMILE!
4) Don’t be a glass kisser. You won’t look sweet or cute or seductive. You will look like a quack. So duck off.
5) What do you mean my eyes aren’t green? The camera doesn’t lie. (Filters do. Know’m’sayin?)
Now fly, little P’s. Fly!!! Snap a selfie and show me what you’ve learned. Extra points if there’s a copy of PRETENDERS in the background.
If you live near Laguna Beach or have a private jet, come see me this Thursday, October 3rd from 5-6pm at Laguna Beach Books in Laguna Beach. I’ll be signing books, giving away S.W.A.P.s, and more secrets to faking your way to fabulous. If you can’t make it and must have a S.W.A.P you’re in luck. They’re out today!!!