Me: Exposed

You know how models make a big deal about posing in magazines without makeup or Photoshop? As much as we like to bust on them for it, I get it. Fooling us into thinking they are more genetically evolved than us is how they make their money. And goading you into thinking I am an (HYPERBOLE ALERT) off-the charts intellect who poops several flawless novels a year is how I make mine. But I have a behind-the-scenes team, too. They just care more about making my words look pretty than my… everything else.

Here’s how:

Once upon a time I became a huge outliner. I still spend months and dozens of pages drafting my outline so the story and structure are tight before I begin. I have my editor, Erin, comment on my outline before I begin writing so any big picture changes can be done early. That way I am not dealing with daunting revisions that have me rewriting pages and pages.

After I finish my first draft Alisha gives it a once-over. Then Erin reads it for notes on the characters and story while Barbara reads it for spelling, grammar, and facts that I (Google) might have messed up. Then I make those changes and send back draft two.

After that, I celebrate because the book is done and I have a week to tend to unpaid bills, unwanted hair, and online shopping and returning. Then, right when I think it’s time to start a fresh novel, Barbara sends me this. A final list of things she caught that I missed–ah-gain! Things that would make me look distracted and spacey and, dare I say, flawed if she hadn’t flagged them for me. Want to peek?

Behold: My final-final edits for Pretenders 2: License To Spill (June 2014)

harrison_licensetospill_hc[2]

My responses are in ALL CAPS.

Page 4: Okay there’s no dateline? – YES FINE.

Page 5: Okay there’s no “end scene” at the end of the entry? Most Sheridan entries end with both To Be Continued and End Scene. – GOOD CATCH. PLEASE ADD.

Page 15: Lily uses the phrase “slam-dump” but Duffy also uses that on page 314. Seems more like a Duffy thing? Or was it intentional that they both use it? – GIVE TO DUFFY. DELETE FROM LILY.

Page 36: Sheridan says Duffy’s frown is upside down—but would he be smiling after just being benched? GOOD POINT. – HA! LOSE “HIS SHOULDERS ARE ROUNDED. HIS FROWN IS UPSIDE DOWN.” GO STRAIGHT TO SHERIDAN’S BPMS DOUBLE.

Page 126: This Sheridan entry doesn’t have “To be continued…” at the end. Ok? – PLEASE ADD.

Page 149: They say A Dog’s Year instead of the normal saying which is A Dog’s Age. Ok? YES. THAT’S THE JOKE.

Page 261: Checking the math on Duffy’s debt. $1654.70 on page 161, minus $499.80 for 20 rings at $24.99 each equals $1154.90…but the text says only $533.85 to go. Are we missing something? (if we change here, we need to address it on page 322 also) – LEAVE AS IS. HE IS TAKING HIS SALES FROM THAT NIGHT INTO ACCOUNT AND SUBTRACTING THE TOOLERY RINGS. (MATH SUCKS!)

Page 263 and 310: Okay to reference Christina Aguilera as the pear icon? She was preggers and is now skinny, just want to make sure at the time she really was “owning” her pear shape. – YES. SHERIDAN’S SPEECH AT THE END WAS INSPIRED BY A REAL XTINA SPEECH. I DON’T BELIEVE SHE WAS PREGNANT AT THE TIME. JUST EMBRACING HER INNER PEAR.

Page 295: Should we be dropping “Duffy” from the Lily signature since she is “over” him? – YES!

Page 304: Mentions that AP midterms are on Friday; but on Page 40 we mention mid October midterms and on page 47 we mention midterm report cards. Okay that AP midterms are in middle of November now? Is there a reason its on a different schedule? – OTHER THAN IT WAS CONVENIENT? NO. 🙂 I DECIDED THAT AP CAN GO AT A DIFFERENT TIME. MY BOOK MY RULES? WHADDAYA SAY?

There you have it. The real me. Hideous, isn’t it?

TTYW,

Lisi

Guest Post on the Office Elf Blog

Hello!

Lisi is on a quick vacation in the snowy mountains. Don’t worry, she’s working away in a cabin somewhere, but due to her terrible wifi connection I’ve been enlisted to guest blog for the day. Click here for a crash course on 6 incredibly inspirational leaders you should know about. Did I mention they’re women? And ah-mazing? It’s Black History Month, let’s get into it!

xx,

Office Elf

Cupid Rhymes With…

I’d like to begin today’s Blah-g with a poem…

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Is it me?
Or does Valentine’s Day suck?

If you are one of the few people who enjoy this Hallmark holiday, forgive me. It’s just that I don’t like being told how to feel or when to feel it. My stubborn heart has nothing to do with the fact that February 14th marks the anniversary of the day I got dumped, disappointed, stood-up, bored, food poisoned, acne infested, dateless, depressed …forget it. I won’t saddle you with my sob stories. I will say that every other day of the year except when there’s a full moon or I’m PMSing I sweat glitter and sneeze love. I just don’t perform well under pressure unless it’s deadline related.  I am not a fan of any holiday that expects me to behave a certain way. Don’t tell me to have fun on New Year’s Eve. Don’t pinch me if I wear black on St. Patrick’s Day. And please, don’t hate me if I’m not bootiful on Halloween.

But that’s just me. There are many ways to feel about VD Valentine’s Day and so, with the help of my office elf cupid, I have lifted some cool things from other websites gathered some spirit enhancers to help get you in the mood… whatever that may be.

#1) –FOR LOVERS: What Would Cupid Do?

Listen to love songs. Here’s Little Mix’s Valentine’s Day playlist.

Give your Valentine cheesy love notes.

TSwift

type

Font

Gift your love cute and personal keepsakes.

Be Cheesy

Read YA fiction. Here’s a list for when you are in love and excited for Valentine’s Day.

Wear these.

kiss me socks

#2–FOR HOPEFULS-Hey Cupid, there’s still time. Work your magic or I will hunt you down.

Watch the Royal Tenenbaums.

margot

Hang  a “Hey Girl” Ryan Gosling poster on your wall, for manifestation purposes. 

Ryan Gosling Crush Poster

Invest in love necklaces and save them for that special someone. (He’d have to be pretty special to wear this.)

Say yes to necklace sets with your BFF.

Eat candy that reminds you to stop kissing frogs.

No More Kissing Frogs Candy

No More Kissing Frogs Candy

#3– FOR DARK HEARTS- Cupid Wears a Diaper and it Smells Like Heartache.

Listen to anti-love songs. Here’s an inspiring playlist below.

Give your single friends (or your single self) awkward or inappropriate Valentine’s day cards.

SAD    ex tool

YA fiction to read when you think love stinks.

Use this.

Break-Up Kit

Break-Up Kit

Wear this.

anti-valentine's day candy heart sweatshirt

And these.

Down with V-DayYou’re welcome.

I love you all!!! Happy Valentine’s Day! See how nice I can be when no one is telling me what to do?

TTYW,
Lisi

Guest Post on the Office Elf Blog

Lisi is away on a mini holiday in Mexico this week enjoying some much needed sunshine and downtime. I’ve guest blogged in lieu of her usual post and am sharing some photos from this weekend’s huge literary event here in Los Angeles, the 2nd annual LA Art Book Fair. Click the obvious bumper sticker statement below to get redirected over to the Office Elf blog.

As usual, Lisi will be back next week!

xx,

Alisha